Moments In Between

Sort of my new hairstyle- minus the anorexia

I spent the last week mysteriously ill and slightly unable to walk. The sickness was most likely psychosomatic stress building up from school, work, internship applications, housing decisions, homework, and life in general. But this week I seem to be back to normal. Perhaps it was the chocolate peanut butter milkshake I got Saturday night. And Sunday night…

Even though Punxsutawney Phil has decided that spring is not soon approaching (which I don’t have a problem with), I have started to work on new beginnings. First step was a new hairdo. I have known for quite some time that I needed to do something about my bad hairstyle, but this weekend I finally committed. Today almost everyone at work and in class that I know gave me positive feedback. Even though they usually first said “nice haircut!” I just smiled instead of saying, “you mean nice brushing skills?” I’m hoping to grow it out a bit so something fancy can be done in October at my sister’s wedding. First step in progress.

I need to get out and get dress shopping for my maid of honor dress! First time I will ever be in a wedding as part of the… what’s the word… bride’s party? Very excited about the the whole event. New beginnings for the people I love, new beginnings for me.

More to come soon on life in general. Or in specific. Hopefully soon.

There are a lot of hard things I’ve had to do in my short life. We’ll actually not too many that I can think of. One of the hardest was making the decision to stop competing in badminton though. After 15 years being totally and completely enmeshed I stopped, almost cold turkey. I also volunteered on a pediatric oncology ward, not an easy place to be. I’ve held the phone while a woman told me she was committing suicide and didn’t want any help. Not an easy spot to be in either. I worked with a 4 year old girl who was physically and sexually abused by her father. She was an amazing child. I have had to watch the tears stream down faces at funerals. I watched through tear stained eyes of my own. But now, this month, I feel I have gone through the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with- losing the only man I have ever truly and completely loved. Now, don’t go giving me any sympathy quite yet, because I did this to myself. I fully admit to bringing it on myself. Not that it makes it any easier. But I do start to wonder how long it takes for the grief to pass, for the pain to stop, for my heart to heal. Perhaps never fully. Every day it seems to get a little better, every day it seems to get a little worse.

Kurt Halsey

Graduate school is not what I expected. I say this both for the good and the bad. The assistantship I work in is much more rigorous than I would have thought, but at the same time I am getting a lot of experience. I both manage a lot of data in addition to fumbling around with qualitative analysis. Yes, I said QUALitative, as in not working with numbers. Although many professor and researchers think this is a soft science, I will vouch for the many times I have wanted to bang my head against the hard wooden table out of frustration at the amount of work and stress involved in type of research.

Classes are a lot of work, but mostly because they are in addition to the 20 hours a week I am working which leaves little time to complete readings and assigments. I have a range of teachers. One of whom I would love to be like when I grow up, another of which I dread seeing for 2.5 hours every week. One thing I’ve come to enjoy about this program is the amount of introspection they expect and how they are shaking us all up to question our beliefs. I see myself changing daily, and wonder who I will become after another year and a half.

As for my fellow students… Like in any setting, there are some who are around to learn and others who are around for something else. In general though, I really like my cohort. This is perhaps the first time, in fact ever, that I have really connected with a group of my classmates. In high school I just didn’t fit in, and in college I was too busy to make many friends. Even the undergraduates (well only the few I work with) surprise me with their lack of the usual annoying undergraduate habits.

My favorite time each week is in our lab groups. Here we are divided up into 10 masters students and one Ph.D (our supervisor). I chose the “spirituality” lab- all but one of the other labs had no distinction. In this group we talk intimately about a range of topics, and I always appreciate what everyone has to contribute. Our lab leader is also an amazing women. It seems that every word that comes out of her mouth I want to capture to use later in my own therapy sessions.

Next year we start our internships, which means doing therapy with real people. I wont lie, it scares the **** out of me. I don’t feel ready, and doubt I ever will. Someone recently said it takes 13 years of doing therapy before you begin to feel like you know what you’re doing. I guess I have a long way to go.

Seriously. It’s 2am on a Saturday night (Sunday morning to be exact) and I am wide awake. Why?

-Not because of the annoying drunk college kids
-Not because of the multiple Boston Police cars circling my block
-Not because of the local bars and noises
-Not because of the car alarm repeatedly honking (although this one was close to the top for annoying)
-Not because my roommate has an entire “band” sleeping over
-Not because of the profanities being screamed on the street.

But I am awake and unable to fall back asleep because apparently one kid thought it would be a good idea to put another kids face through a windshield. Yes, this happened directly across from my house and my window. From the conversations I have heard I am not sure who has it worse, the one kid’s head or the poor oblivious owner of the back beetle. If the car is around in the morning I may take a photo.

I already told my mom I didn’t live in the type of a neighborhood you show off to your family when they visit. And that was when I just thought that the trash, smells, and explicit drawings on the street were the worst of it.

Yeah… and then it rained.

Each year revolves around vacation for me. I spend the whole year looking forward to the time I get to spend with my family, and the time I get to just relax and let my worries go. January 1st isn’t as important, and I don’t usually spend December 31st doing anything special either. So now that the summer is coming to a close I can feel the new year fast approaching.

There are a lot of things I’m not happy about. My new apartment situation is not exactly what I was hoping for or expecting. Every time I walk into the kitchen there are dirty dishes on the counter, in the sink, and on the stove. Crumbs, flour, egg, noodles, and peanuts have all made appearances on various surfaces. The fridge has no room and appears to ooze strange liquids. The common room is another story, of which I don’t take part. I’ve also been increasing frustrated with the lack of communication and clarity concerning my assistantship and graduate program. Although BC is a smaller school than UCI it is apparently big enough to have all sorts of problems.

But in spite of the downsides I am doing my best to look up. I love my freshly painted, spacious room. I have decided to change my mind frame and think of the time I spend at this residence more like a dormitory than a home. I now have a mini fridge and TV in my room, so I will venture another year or so without a kitchen or living room (I’ve done it before!). I’m guessing that free time spent in my house will be limited by my busy schedule anyway. This week I also found out that I will receive 12 credits of tuition remission and not just 9 for my assistantship. So it feels like I got a $3,000 bonus. Although my neighborhood is not Cambridge, it has lots more places to eat. I am hoping to try each one, especially the shabu shabu restaurants.

School starts on September 8th and although I’m not sure if I’m ready, I’m not worried. I ordered most of my books on half.com since the BC bookstore does not offer refunds or exchanges and that ticks me off. I also saved about $300 doing so. I will be starting with a 4.0 GPA after my two summer classes and plan on doing my best to keep it high. Although I’m nervous about the large amounts of reading expected from students, I’m confident I’ll keep up. Somehow. This Sunday I leave for my last week of vacation. This time I’m off to Jamaica! I’ve never been there before, and all of my past trips to the Caribbeans were not exactly for leisure. Hopefully I will get to snorkel, swim, relax, and enjoy the company ;)

It’s slightly ironic I guess. I have traveled the world, lived all over the country, but my favorite place in the world is a small town in upstate New York. Who would have thunk?…

It must be a combination of things. (Although I am convinced that the fresh air and mountains would do any soul a little good.) But I think it must also be the concentrated time I get to spend with my family and the memories we’ve created here. The old memories and the new. The old family and the new. The people here are great as well. I don’t know any other place where you could leave a computer or wallet sitting out and come back to find it in the same place untouched hours later.

The lake has a calming effect. There are restorative powers in water. For two weeks I get to retreat from civilization. No cell phones, little to no traveling in cars, no T.V., and best of all no work. If I could suspend time and stay in one moment, I would probably be here, at Silver Bay, forever.

1. Go a shade lighter. Perhaps two.
2. You always need a double coat, even when it’s 11 pm and your arm is exhausted from painting.
3. Even if painting is the cheapest way to redecorate it does not mean painting is cheap!
4. There is spackle for wood.
5. A newly painted room makes all the difference in the world!!

This week has completely exhausted me. Monday Scott helped me paint my room walls a slightly bluer color than before and we were up until 2am working hard. Tuesday I had night class until 9pm. Wednesday Scott and I were again painting the baseboards, windows, and doors two full coats of white until 1am. Thursday I had night class until 9pm. And today I am working until 10pm, so that tomorrow at 7/8 am I can wake up and move all of my heavy furniture in and out of my apartments. Needless to stay I stopped at starbucks almost everyday this week.

On a different note, today there was a mandatory safety meeting at Mass General for everyone using fMRI scanners. Apparently there have been some infractions in the last few weeks. It’s pretty amazing what MRI scanners can do for the medical community. But is also pretty scary what happens if people make mistakes while working with them. Basically, they work as gigantic magnets. So we are not allowed to bring metal into the scanning room. What happens is as you get closer to the scanner it attracts the metal and pulls it into the scanner with a strong force. In the safety video we watched today we saw what happened to some watermelons (instead of someone’s head) when a pair of scissors is brought into the scanner. Can’t say I’d like to be that watermelon!

Science seems to always have it’s advantages and disadvantages.

I am not sure if I am moving, or moved, or half and half. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year in Boston. My wonderful Cambridge apartment is now bare and lonely and making me sad. I am going to miss Porter Sq and all of it’s wonderful shops. I’m nervous about the new place in Allston. The kitchen is not as clean as when I first visited and I’m not sure if any of my 4 roommates take out the trash… No, it’s not that bad. I have met one of the girls I will be living with and she seems great! Two of the others are moving out and that means two new ones will be moving in soon.

My room is much bigger though, the apartment is closer to Boston College, and the rent is cheaper. Hopefully I can focus on the positives. I think a fresh coat of paint would do the room some good, but the landlord has not given me the thumbs up. It looks like it’ll be a crazy next week with the moving my big furniture, completing a final for summer school, and wrapping up things at work. And to think summer was supposed to be relaxing? ha. Maybe in two weeks when I’m on the porch in Silver Bay.

So, the goal was to use this blog to write. And I guess technically speaking this is writing, but just not the type of writing I wanted to do. I can’t imagine people subscribe just to know what’s going on in my life. My life is not that exciting. What is going on in my mind on the other hand! Now that is interesting. Again, too bad there is too much going on in my mind so that it’s not clear enough to really write. *sigh*

News. For all of you who do not know I am leaving the red line and crossing over to the green line! As much as I love my apartment in Porter Square, I have decided to move closer to BC for the next year at least. I have found a house in downtown Allston, which is green and large. For those of you not familiar with Boston geography, Allston is near Boston University, so I will most likely be inundated with undergraduates. The rent is most likely going to be cheaper and my room much larger (yipeee!). I have only really met one of my four roommates, but I like the girl so that is a good sign. There is also lots of restaurants and eateries in the area.

As for school, I have officially completed my first graduate class! Although I do not feel I learned as much as I would have liked to, I can check off Alcohol and other Drugs as done. By that I mean the class of course. Now I am in play therapy and so far I love it. (All of the one class I have sat through). I’m not sure what it is about these BC summer teachers but they really make the grading pretty simple. 20% participation, 20% reaction paper, 60% take come final essay. Wow. No complaints here.

Not sure what else is new in my life. August is fast approaching and I can’t wait! I will be in NY for two weeks, then work one week, then top off the summer with a real vacation in Jamaica!! My first trip out of the U.S. for pleasure! Then of course September will bring 5 courses and a 20 hour assistantship. So I’m not even going to think about how busy I’ll be.

The weather here has been non stop rain for what feels like months. But so it goes. Some exciting movies coming out in the near and distant future: Time Travelers Wife, Where the Wild Things Are, Harry Potter, Eclipse (guilty pleasure), and some Johnny Depp and other cute boys! Can’t wait!

I just talked to my godparents and they said I was not updating enough. So here is my once a month post:

Basically I’m stressed out. I took the “Holmes-Rahe” Life Stress Inventory and calculated my results. Here was the pop up response,

          “OVER 300 POINTS: This score indicates a major life crisis and is highly predictive (80%)
          of serious physical illness within the next 2 years.”

Great, more good news. Although I do tend to stay relatively healthy, so I will just ignore the highly predictive likeliness of a serious physical illness possibly occurring in my life.

The Changes. I don’t remember what I posted last, so forgive me if I am being repetitive.
school After the long application process I was accepted into three masters programs (none of which were my top choices since I was hoping to get into a Ph.D program), all of which were good programs. I decided upon Boston College and the 2 year masters in mental health counseling degree. It would allow me to work towards licensure and hopefully a job as a clinician/therapist in the future. I have started summer classes to ease my load over the coming year and am unfortunately finding my first class very easy. I’m crossing my fingers that the courses will get more challenging.
jobs I have decided to continue my work at Brandeis until Aug/Sept when I will start my next position at BC. I have applied for two assistantships, one of which is a Research Assistantship, the other is with Media and Technology Services. Both offer a stipend and tuition remission. They are only 15-20 hours a week, allowing students time to attend classes full time.
housing I love where I live. There are no doubts about that. But of course I always feel the need to do better. I want to find a place that is cheaper and larger. Wish me luck.
vacations They say even good stress is bad stress. I can’t wait for August and two full weeks in NY with my family. There is also a week long trip to the Caribbeans which a certain someone and I have planned. I can’t wait. Literally, I can’t wait.
money Why is it that life revolves around money? I used to want to be financially independent so bad I never realized that I should have requested to be financially independent and solvent. Next year isn’t looking better with student loans piling me into a deep hole.

So, perhaps next time I should work on updating people about my life when I’m in a slightly more positive state of mind. The truth is things are going really well, I’m lucky and blessed and healthy. But the grass is always greener and the sky is always bluer somewhere else. I just need to remember to be thankful for what I have. This I know.