Moments In Between

A week after the predicted blizzard. A week after being sent home from work early. After having classes canceled. After having a “snow emergency” warning. We finally got our Boston snow storm. I’m not sure how many inches it has snowed today. But it is enough. It’s enough to coat those dirty, gray piles of old snow lining the street. It is enough to fall on the branches of the trees and brighten the evening. It is enough snow to slosh home in, sled down hills in, or make snow angles with.

—

I have been thinking a lot about sports this week. Obviously because it is the Olympics, but also because my friends have been asking me questions about my past. It is funny when someone in my “new life” hears what I used to do in my “old life.” “REALLY? You tried to qualify for the Olympics?” is one of the usual responses. I emphasis the “tried” when I respond. They are pretty shocked and amazed, but then naturally they go back to living their life. They do not have to carry this as their past like I do. One friend told me that she, her husband and a friend were discussing athletics and I came up in the conversation. They were debating what was harder, or better- to have lived a life and never reached for a big dream like the Olympics- or to have tried and not made it. But there are so many other situations. What about the athlete who makes it then screws up her chance for a medal, this is someone who actually has a chance to be on the podium. Or the athlete who trains his whole life to compete and makes it and gets slaughtered, but at least he competed. Perhaps like people say, “the grass is always greener…”

Another thing I have been thinking a bit about is what to give up for lent. Every year I usually give up sweets, which if you know me is not an easy task. But in the last few years I have also tried to do something everyday as a form of practice. One year, while living in California, I gave up road rage. It made for a much more peaceful 40 days. This year I have something slightly different in mind. I think I have decided to work on forgiveness. Easy right? I’m sure 40 wont solve any of my problems, but I think it might be a nice place to start. I have realized lately that I need to do some serious forgiving of myself and of others, before I can move on with my life. A lot of people don’t realize that anger is not an emotion. Anger is an expression of other emotions, often the underlying emotion is hurt. I have a lot of anger I have let settle over the years, and I think it’s time I start to let it out, slowly.

"Curl" Kurt Halsey

I guess this hairstyle is a keeper. At least until I grow it out long enough to do something funkier with it. I have gotten more comments today and yesterday on my new look, than, perhaps ever. Most people ask if I got it cut, one person asked if I dyed it, but everyone says they like it. And by everyone, I mean everyone. The grad student at work who is honest to a fault asked me three times if I wanted the truth about how she felt about my looks. Three times I told her yes. Then she went on to say it was great and shaped my head really well, or something more elegantly phrased than that. JC (the other JC at work) who is J. Crew/burberry chic also said she really liked. She then went on to confirm that if she didn’t like it she would have kept her mouth shut, no bs from her. The kicker though, was when my practicum professor (favorite professor) handed out our paper assignment today and stopped for a minute before handing me mine. “New look?” and I said “yes, thanks.” “I like it.” gold. solid gold.

The outside is the easy stuff. It’s the inside that’s killer. I got the best news ever last week, and now only a few days later I’m back on my face wondering how I hit the ground again so soon. I feel like a kid running around with her shoelaces untied. All of the other kids have theirs tied, or they have velcro, and I just don’t understand why I’m the odd one out. I keep stopping to tie my shoes but they keep coming undone. Every time I bend down to tie them I notice how happy all the other kids are running around playing tag or dodgeball. The problem with shoe laces that continually come untied? you keep falling down, and it gets harder and harder to get up.

"proof of feeling" Kurt Halsey

Sort of my new hairstyle- minus the anorexia

I spent the last week mysteriously ill and slightly unable to walk. The sickness was most likely psychosomatic stress building up from school, work, internship applications, housing decisions, homework, and life in general. But this week I seem to be back to normal. Perhaps it was the chocolate peanut butter milkshake I got Saturday night. And Sunday night…

Even though Punxsutawney Phil has decided that spring is not soon approaching (which I don’t have a problem with), I have started to work on new beginnings. First step was a new hairdo. I have known for quite some time that I needed to do something about my bad hairstyle, but this weekend I finally committed. Today almost everyone at work and in class that I know gave me positive feedback. Even though they usually first said “nice haircut!” I just smiled instead of saying, “you mean nice brushing skills?” I’m hoping to grow it out a bit so something fancy can be done in October at my sister’s wedding. First step in progress.

I need to get out and get dress shopping for my maid of honor dress! First time I will ever be in a wedding as part of the… what’s the word… bride’s party? Very excited about the the whole event. New beginnings for the people I love, new beginnings for me.

More to come soon on life in general. Or in specific. Hopefully soon.

There are a lot of hard things I’ve had to do in my short life. We’ll actually not too many that I can think of. One of the hardest was making the decision to stop competing in badminton though. After 15 years being totally and completely enmeshed I stopped, almost cold turkey. I also volunteered on a pediatric oncology ward, not an easy place to be. I’ve held the phone while a woman told me she was committing suicide and didn’t want any help. Not an easy spot to be in either. I worked with a 4 year old girl who was physically and sexually abused by her father. She was an amazing child. I have had to watch the tears stream down faces at funerals. I watched through tear stained eyes of my own. But now, this month, I feel I have gone through the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with- losing the only man I have ever truly and completely loved. Now, don’t go giving me any sympathy quite yet, because I did this to myself. I fully admit to bringing it on myself. Not that it makes it any easier. But I do start to wonder how long it takes for the grief to pass, for the pain to stop, for my heart to heal. Perhaps never fully. Every day it seems to get a little better, every day it seems to get a little worse.

Kurt Halsey

Graduate school is not what I expected. I say this both for the good and the bad. The assistantship I work in is much more rigorous than I would have thought, but at the same time I am getting a lot of experience. I both manage a lot of data in addition to fumbling around with qualitative analysis. Yes, I said QUALitative, as in not working with numbers. Although many professor and researchers think this is a soft science, I will vouch for the many times I have wanted to bang my head against the hard wooden table out of frustration at the amount of work and stress involved in type of research.

Classes are a lot of work, but mostly because they are in addition to the 20 hours a week I am working which leaves little time to complete readings and assigments. I have a range of teachers. One of whom I would love to be like when I grow up, another of which I dread seeing for 2.5 hours every week. One thing I’ve come to enjoy about this program is the amount of introspection they expect and how they are shaking us all up to question our beliefs. I see myself changing daily, and wonder who I will become after another year and a half.

As for my fellow students… Like in any setting, there are some who are around to learn and others who are around for something else. In general though, I really like my cohort. This is perhaps the first time, in fact ever, that I have really connected with a group of my classmates. In high school I just didn’t fit in, and in college I was too busy to make many friends. Even the undergraduates (well only the few I work with) surprise me with their lack of the usual annoying undergraduate habits.

My favorite time each week is in our lab groups. Here we are divided up into 10 masters students and one Ph.D (our supervisor). I chose the “spirituality” lab- all but one of the other labs had no distinction. In this group we talk intimately about a range of topics, and I always appreciate what everyone has to contribute. Our lab leader is also an amazing women. It seems that every word that comes out of her mouth I want to capture to use later in my own therapy sessions.

Next year we start our internships, which means doing therapy with real people. I wont lie, it scares the **** out of me. I don’t feel ready, and doubt I ever will. Someone recently said it takes 13 years of doing therapy before you begin to feel like you know what you’re doing. I guess I have a long way to go.

Seriously. It’s 2am on a Saturday night (Sunday morning to be exact) and I am wide awake. Why?

-Not because of the annoying drunk college kids
-Not because of the multiple Boston Police cars circling my block
-Not because of the local bars and noises
-Not because of the car alarm repeatedly honking (although this one was close to the top for annoying)
-Not because my roommate has an entire “band” sleeping over
-Not because of the profanities being screamed on the street.

But I am awake and unable to fall back asleep because apparently one kid thought it would be a good idea to put another kids face through a windshield. Yes, this happened directly across from my house and my window. From the conversations I have heard I am not sure who has it worse, the one kid’s head or the poor oblivious owner of the back beetle. If the car is around in the morning I may take a photo.

I already told my mom I didn’t live in the type of a neighborhood you show off to your family when they visit. And that was when I just thought that the trash, smells, and explicit drawings on the street were the worst of it.

Yeah… and then it rained.

Each year revolves around vacation for me. I spend the whole year looking forward to the time I get to spend with my family, and the time I get to just relax and let my worries go. January 1st isn’t as important, and I don’t usually spend December 31st doing anything special either. So now that the summer is coming to a close I can feel the new year fast approaching.

There are a lot of things I’m not happy about. My new apartment situation is not exactly what I was hoping for or expecting. Every time I walk into the kitchen there are dirty dishes on the counter, in the sink, and on the stove. Crumbs, flour, egg, noodles, and peanuts have all made appearances on various surfaces. The fridge has no room and appears to ooze strange liquids. The common room is another story, of which I don’t take part. I’ve also been increasing frustrated with the lack of communication and clarity concerning my assistantship and graduate program. Although BC is a smaller school than UCI it is apparently big enough to have all sorts of problems.

But in spite of the downsides I am doing my best to look up. I love my freshly painted, spacious room. I have decided to change my mind frame and think of the time I spend at this residence more like a dormitory than a home. I now have a mini fridge and TV in my room, so I will venture another year or so without a kitchen or living room (I’ve done it before!). I’m guessing that free time spent in my house will be limited by my busy schedule anyway. This week I also found out that I will receive 12 credits of tuition remission and not just 9 for my assistantship. So it feels like I got a $3,000 bonus. Although my neighborhood is not Cambridge, it has lots more places to eat. I am hoping to try each one, especially the shabu shabu restaurants.

School starts on September 8th and although I’m not sure if I’m ready, I’m not worried. I ordered most of my books on half.com since the BC bookstore does not offer refunds or exchanges and that ticks me off. I also saved about $300 doing so. I will be starting with a 4.0 GPA after my two summer classes and plan on doing my best to keep it high. Although I’m nervous about the large amounts of reading expected from students, I’m confident I’ll keep up. Somehow. This Sunday I leave for my last week of vacation. This time I’m off to Jamaica! I’ve never been there before, and all of my past trips to the Caribbeans were not exactly for leisure. Hopefully I will get to snorkel, swim, relax, and enjoy the company ;)

It’s slightly ironic I guess. I have traveled the world, lived all over the country, but my favorite place in the world is a small town in upstate New York. Who would have thunk?…

It must be a combination of things. (Although I am convinced that the fresh air and mountains would do any soul a little good.) But I think it must also be the concentrated time I get to spend with my family and the memories we’ve created here. The old memories and the new. The old family and the new. The people here are great as well. I don’t know any other place where you could leave a computer or wallet sitting out and come back to find it in the same place untouched hours later.

The lake has a calming effect. There are restorative powers in water. For two weeks I get to retreat from civilization. No cell phones, little to no traveling in cars, no T.V., and best of all no work. If I could suspend time and stay in one moment, I would probably be here, at Silver Bay, forever.

1. Go a shade lighter. Perhaps two.
2. You always need a double coat, even when it’s 11 pm and your arm is exhausted from painting.
3. Even if painting is the cheapest way to redecorate it does not mean painting is cheap!
4. There is spackle for wood.
5. A newly painted room makes all the difference in the world!!

This week has completely exhausted me. Monday Scott helped me paint my room walls a slightly bluer color than before and we were up until 2am working hard. Tuesday I had night class until 9pm. Wednesday Scott and I were again painting the baseboards, windows, and doors two full coats of white until 1am. Thursday I had night class until 9pm. And today I am working until 10pm, so that tomorrow at 7/8 am I can wake up and move all of my heavy furniture in and out of my apartments. Needless to stay I stopped at starbucks almost everyday this week.

On a different note, today there was a mandatory safety meeting at Mass General for everyone using fMRI scanners. Apparently there have been some infractions in the last few weeks. It’s pretty amazing what MRI scanners can do for the medical community. But is also pretty scary what happens if people make mistakes while working with them. Basically, they work as gigantic magnets. So we are not allowed to bring metal into the scanning room. What happens is as you get closer to the scanner it attracts the metal and pulls it into the scanner with a strong force. In the safety video we watched today we saw what happened to some watermelons (instead of someone’s head) when a pair of scissors is brought into the scanner. Can’t say I’d like to be that watermelon!

Science seems to always have it’s advantages and disadvantages.

I am not sure if I am moving, or moved, or half and half. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year in Boston. My wonderful Cambridge apartment is now bare and lonely and making me sad. I am going to miss Porter Sq and all of it’s wonderful shops. I’m nervous about the new place in Allston. The kitchen is not as clean as when I first visited and I’m not sure if any of my 4 roommates take out the trash… No, it’s not that bad. I have met one of the girls I will be living with and she seems great! Two of the others are moving out and that means two new ones will be moving in soon.

My room is much bigger though, the apartment is closer to Boston College, and the rent is cheaper. Hopefully I can focus on the positives. I think a fresh coat of paint would do the room some good, but the landlord has not given me the thumbs up. It looks like it’ll be a crazy next week with the moving my big furniture, completing a final for summer school, and wrapping up things at work. And to think summer was supposed to be relaxing? ha. Maybe in two weeks when I’m on the porch in Silver Bay.